Jokes... anglaise

par **PierreB** » Dim 23 Oct, 2005 20:32

Salut a tous...

Quelques plaisanterie anglaise sur les pilote qui m'ont ete transmise de l'europe de l'est..

Comme eleve pilote... j'ai bien aime la premiere...

Bonne lecture..

Pierre B

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Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself
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On a warm spring day a queue of planes was waiting in line to take off, suddenly over the radio is heard: "I'm F* bored"
Tower: Last aircraft identify yourself immediately
Unknown speaker: I said I was F* bored not F* stupid.
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Approach: 200 Heavy, slow to 160 knots
Pilot: Roger
Approach: 200 Heavy, slow to 140 knots
Pilot Roger
Approach 200 heavy, slow to 130 knots
Pilot: Approach, do you know the stalling speed of this aircraft?
Approach: Nope, ask your co-pilot.

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A Cessna 152 was sitting at a large international airport waiting for takeoff, he was told to hold position as a 747 landed. He watched as
the 747 rolled out, then turned round to cross his path again, as it passed him the pilot said "What a cute little plane, did you build it
yourself?" The Cessna pilot replied "yup, and another landing like that one I'll have enough parts to build me a couple more"

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An IFR pilot is flying in Boston control area and the controler ask him :
Ctrl : Piper N5845 Boston approach say altitude
Pilot : Altitude
Ctrl : Piper N5845 say speed
Pilot : Speed
Ctrl : Piper N5845 say cancel IFR
Pilot : .......

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Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

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Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

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From a Southwest Airlines flight attendant:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab

into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more

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Once on a Northwest Airlines flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

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From our "Finer Points of Maintenance" file... "Remember, you really only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape."

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Overheard at Bankstown Airport in suburban Sydney... Tower: ABC, cleared for takeoff. Caution for a rabbit at the far end of the runway.

ABC: Roger rabbit...

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Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System:
- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
- Drinks are on me...
- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some
leeway...
- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
- I'll have what the Captain's having...

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Another flight Attendant's comments:

- Last one off the plane must clean it.

- There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

- As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-
Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and
made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you
this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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At the end of an Easyjet flight the stewardess announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Captain Scarlet and Officer Dibble we hope you had a pleasant flight, if you enjoyed it tell your
friends. If you didn't tell them you flew with somebody else

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